Hello! I’m still alive after my latest stint on the Camino de Santiago, for those of you that have been wondering–I thankfully was not wind-blown off the edge of a Pyrenees trail. It turns out that “as soon as I can” (what I said in my last post about writing my next post) is more than two months later! I guess I could have written sooner–of course I could have, but energy, connectivity and/or focus has been in short supply since I last wrote. I am back in the States now (I have been back for over a month), and am already considering going back to France, because all signs indicate I need to go soon–as far as I can read them (more on the signs below). We’ll see if the Infinite (my new favorite word for the Universe/Source/Consciousness) supports it in the end. I really had planned to write regularly from the trail, but we all know what happens to the best laid plans, especially in these most shifty of times. As it turns out, the walk was not about fueling my writing, at least not while I was out there. It was about being present with all that was arising within myself, with W, with the people we met, and in the surrounding natural world.
Then, the weeks since I have been back have been plain weird–and I know not just for me. It is like I (we) have entered another dimension (some say we have, but I realize more and more how little we know or can know, how it’s all fabricated belief), and we have to learn how to navigate in it. I think I was waiting to write until I felt like I had solid footing, like I had something clear, definitive and inspiring to say, but the ground kept shifting and I kept waiting; and I have been exhausted to boot, both from the physical and emotional exertion of the Camino and this learning-how-to-navigate-anew process.
And then I came to a place two days ago of fully realizing that I had absolutely no certainty about what to do next and almost nothing definitive to say, so I decided to start writing about how scary and unsettling (yet miraculous) this process can be, because that felt like the most honest thing I could say. I have almost no money left (on paper–that money is limited and must be earned is yet another belief that you cannot prove. Go ahead and try), and I had no apparent long-term solution. I had few inner or outer promptings to act, and I have few strong preferences about how I want my life to look (except that I know I cannot go back to how it used to look). I have absolutely no trust in my mind as a decision-making tool (it has proven itself to be unimaginative, fear-driven, dishonest, and utterly worthless for this purpose), so the fear-based, old-me, uber-limiting mental solution, “Go get a job” was not going to cut it; and I had no way to know with surety what the ever-creative Infinite had in store for/through me (my friend Mary is fond of calling the Infinite “Last Minute Larry,” because It seems to deliver/prompt action only when absolutely needed).
I had come to a void; a place of fear, humility and deep surrender; a full admission of not-knowing; and a place of intense exhaustion from all the effort I had expended to try to control my life, to earn love, money and even my awakening over my 42 years. I had a lot of difficult emotional stuff come up on the path in Spain, on the Camino, that pushed me into and beyond core fears, but the “path” has continued since I’ve returned “home” (in quotes because I have been “homeful,” as a friend of mine says, in the last year–moving from place to place with no stable home), and it has been getting steeper. I realized that when I removed the frightened mind from the equation, the only choice I had in Truth was to wait for life to arise, to wait for the Infinite to clearly prompt action internally and/or externally. So I found myself pushing the trust envelope here, and found myself convulsing in tears: tears of love for the incredible, amazing, abundantly creative being that I now see that I am; tears of grief for having limited and restricted that amazing, abundantly creative being for so many years; tears of utter refusal to go back to the contracted way of living and working that I had left, come what may; and tears of terror in the face of little money and the utter unknown. I had hit the motherlode of fear and grief, and I had reached the most Truthful space I had ever been in.
This is why people don’t want to go here. It’s terrifying to realize that everything you’ve ever believed is bullshit and that the Truth is you don’t know anything. The thing is, it’s also kind of a relief. There isn’t a lot you have to do. You stop listening to your mind, wait for arising, and respond, and what arises is always better than the dumb mental solution you had. In the state I was in, I knew I had not done, indeed could not do, anything wrong (because Who or What is doing it?!). I had followed my heart and my promptings in each moment, and I had finally been honoring and loving myself in ways I had never done before. Sure, my mind and ego were telling me I had been “irresponsible” and “foolish,” but I had already proven to myself that this wasn’t true; had proven that it was just a thought, another belief (with a lot of emotional force behind it). I could see that “irresponsibility,” letting go of the egoic “doer,” was exactly what surrender to the much more creative Infinite was all about–it was the point! I could see that I had been willing to do whatever it took to LIVE, fully, finally, and to wake up to my True nature, and I knew it was worth every penny I had spent, that nothing in life was more worth doing than this. I also knew that I was being forced, through this perfectly and brilliantly orchestrated scenario, into releasing out of another layer of fear and falsehood–forced to confront and reject the idea, the belief, that money is limited and comes from outside of me, so there were some tears of gratitude mixed in there, too.
I want to get back to the “weird” I referenced earlier for a bit. The weird has been largely weird and wonderful, intensely gratitude- and awe-inspiring, miraculous. If it were not for this, I might not be able to endure these episodes of fear or be able to place them in a greater context, so I am intensely grateful for the intense gratitude! Even amidst the fear, it is clear that an intelligence far beyond my understanding is working constantly, unerringly, exquisitely, to deliver just the scenarios and conditions needed for it to awaken to itself through me more and more, to move me beyond my human limitations, beyond the fear-based beliefs and emotions that have kept me feeling stuck and small in life. Sometimes I find myself saying aloud, “Thank You,” through tears of wrenching fear and grief and I wonder how on earth I have come to such a place. All that is false and enslaving must go, so I’m usually grateful when more of it does.
Even more weird (and more wonderful and wondrous), “reality” has a very plastic, pliable feel now, like it’s not at all stable, like it can change instantaneously, like I am creating it as I go, like it’s not, well, real. I frequently (more often than not now) say something or speak about something and within moments see it (the words I spoke or the objects I spoke of) before me. My perception seems completely unique to my experience and “purpose,” like there is no way others could be seeing exactly the same patterns I am seeing. My pattern-seeing has been ratcheted up several levels. There is no gap between synchroncities or the appearance of elements in a pattern now. All of life unfolds, my entire environment appears, as a cohesive web of intelligence in which every single piece is significant, interrelated, and (seemingly) showing me what is inside me, what is coming, or what to do. I say seemingly because I cannot say that I am able to understand it all or read it all accurately, but it is more regular than before, and the awesome intelligence in it is more apparent, even if I cannot always make sense of it. It is miraculous, and endlessly fascinating and entertaining.
This is flow. Sometimes I cannot tell if it is directing me, reflecting me or something else entirely unknowable. As far as I can tell, it’s a bit of all of these. I used to take signs and patterns as indications of actions to take, or actions that were coming, and while sometimes I can tell this is still the case, it often seems there must be something else going on. For example, Australia, Hawaii, India, France and Switzerland all show up regularly and unmistakably in my environment, and there is no way I am being directed to go to all of them now (at least not physically, in this “reality”!). I am beginning to wonder if some of what I am seeing and experiencing has the effect of burning off unseen “karmic patterns” (for lack of a better term) or of focusing my consciousness on a place or thing that needs attention. But my mental wondering is for nought really–it’s just an old habit that would probably be best burned along with the rest, because the answer I keep coming up with is “I don’t know,” and more and more it seems I cannot actually know anything except what action to take the moment it clearly arises. I guess I’ve said that part about not knowing a bunch of times now, but it bears repeating.
Anyway, in my soggy state of surrender I pleaded with the Infinite (which feels more and more every day like pleading with a hidden part of myself) for clarity. I agreed to do whatever It wanted of me, as I had been doing for quite some time anyway (and was mostly very much enjoying doing), except go back to a false way of working and earning that was out of alignment with my True nature. Within hours, yesterday afternoon, I had a clear signal to create something that was aligned with many other signals I had received and people I had recently been led to meet, something that was beyond perfect for me, but that I never would have thought up on my own. Again. Miracle. Again. Gratitude. Again. I’ll write more about this next time, which I promise will be in much less than 2.5 months!